Labour

This post contains details of a difficult birth experience. I strongly recommend not reading on if you are pregnant.

It pained me. Then it wore me out. Then it scarred me. And then it took away my balance. Labour. One year ago I endured 49 hours of labour that didn’t yield anything except pain. The baby came through the sunroof. Some time before the emergency surgery there was a high intensity panic attack. Neither me, nor the doctors and midwives figured what it was at the time. I only had some 16 healthcare professionals and C poring over me.

The entire experience was akin to being stuck in a series of waves at high tide. Being washed away, thrown ashore and then back again before being able to find my feet. But like so many other things in life, it also felt like a gamble. Each contraction was meant to take me closer to the end game. Every hour I was told things looked great. After all, the baby’s vitals were steady (not like a rock). Each calendar day felt like it would be D Day. In reality, neither codeine, nor happy thoughts helped. Turned out his head was stuck at an unhelpful angle.

During the pregnancy we had noticed a pattern. The baby lagged behind at each milestone, but just as we would begin to worry, he’d catch up. He was our very own lastminute[dot]com. He stayed true to character during labour and stayed inside until the very moment he physically couldn’t.

The surgery was meant to put me out of my misery. But no so easily. My body didn’t take too well to the anaesthesia. So I shivered what felt like endlessly while they cut me up, tried to talk to me about my favourite film, flashed an alien-like creature at me, and ultimately sewed me up. Yes, my first reaction was that he’s creepy. And yes, I judged myself for it until several months later. I still stand by that reaction. I had no gushy feelings. I had way too much going on. But I did manage to get some favourite songs played in the theatre. Ghulam Ali and Jagjit Singh.

I had grimaced and laughed at someone who wanted to experience her baby descending through her birth canal. What does that even mean, I thought! And why must anyone care! All I cared about was getting through childbirth safely and healthily. But going through labour before having a C-section subconsciously prepared me for that experience – and I missed it over and over for several months. My brain couldn’t concede that I went from being pregnant to having a baby without physically experiencing the transition. Nobody around me understood that feeling. Would I have felt differently if I hadn’t experienced labour and went straight for a C-section? I’ll never know.

Also, what the hell is back labour! Everything I had read and the few videos I had seen were about regular labour. I know I am now sounding like I was not prepared at all. Well, if you are a person who hasn’t produced a baby, I know that’s what it seems like. And if you have had to give birth, you know for sure that nothing prepares one for it. So here I was, with a TENS machine that didn’t do squat for me. And a partner who used all his strength to press my back.

On several occasions, I have defended the team that looked after me when family in India said they were stupid to let me carry on for that long. On others, I have been angry about it because I believe it had some long lasting impact on my mental and physical health. My left hip feels permanently messed up. Until recently I had abdominal pain that didn’t make any sense to any doctor. I didn’t, and still don’t, feel fully recovered even though on paper I am fit to do anything I please. I’ve had mild postpartum depression. But who cares about mild anything?

The series of stupid (in hindsight) things had continued when C and I considered the six weeks/40 days recovery period to be gospel. In my case it was total BS. Physical, mental, emotional – no part of me had healed. I had just about blinked my eyes.

In all, the whole process of getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth, and the first six months of looking after the baby has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I won’t tempt fate and say anything about the future. Because shit happens. But these past 3.5 years have been agonising in many, many ways. But I got to where I wanted. And did have some nice moments and non-moments along the way. Because…life.