Downturn

These days nothing feels better than Porcupine Tree. The late afternoon chocolate is something else.

Sometimes you need something to numb your nerves. You need something that helps you from getting affected by external factors. And if you are not keen on everyday drinking, this can work. It helps control the hyperventilation.

Trains, on the other hand, helps me focus. I can block out all the unwanted sounds and energies with the help of this song. It acts like that paddle which brings you back to the present. Which helps you snap out.

I have been sad for many weeks now. Borderline depressed, perhaps. I have been oscillating between accepting and denying it. I have been unwilling to point my finger to a specific issue because I know there are more than one. I know I have taken some things far more personally than I should have. I know I have allowed so much anger to accumulate that I really cannot breathe anymore. I am so angry that I am now complaining about small things, and not discussing any of the real issues with anyone. But I think I am coming to accept that I might need help. Or maybe the thought that I would find help externally is also wrong. I don’t know. All I know is I will be even more bitter than I already am if I don’t address this now. That is all I know. And I don’t think anyone, including me, wants to see me more bitter. Hateful, almost.

5 thoughts on “Downturn”

I am so so surprised each time i read ur post. There is always a match of emotions with you somehow. The last para – i know it exactly. It is familiar. But you word it more realistically and honestly than i ever can. Hope that thing everyone says – “…just a phased…will pass” is true.

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