I sit and give gyaan for hours, get questioned on how then I can’t take care of my own mind, I laugh it off, and then next morning find myself in the dumps. Yes, the things that I am worrying about might turn my life around if they really happen. But there is an IF there. I hope it remains at that.
I give more gyaan after the thinking, and then turn to someone else to give me some of it too. It sounds bad when I call it gyaan. If I say it is help in getting a perspective and wiping the emotional sheet off, sounds better in my head.
There are two reasons why summers could pass as being better than winters for me. One of them is that the fan makes sure that the unnerving silence never takes over. Ever. But as I write, it somehow has. The song that I am addicted to is playing in my ears for about 30 minutes now. And these words are staring back. It is a strange kind of a silence. The one that transports you to another world. A world which is made of half numbness and half of I don’t know what.
Not feeling physically well is not helping either. The bloody mind always does this – it won’t work on the things that it needs to work on. But such thoughts never cease to bother. And why is this laptop’s comma key placed in such a way that I reach it everytime my fingers go looking for the period?!
It doesn’t end here. Now I have started bothering about the fact that I bother too much about everything. I don’t want to. I really don’t. And now when I have SO MUCH TO DO, dumb issues are getting developed to add to ‘things to do’. For absolutely no reason at all. So there I go again!
Cigarette smoke suffocates me. And not just my lungs. It suffocates my mind in a way that I can never describe. It pushes me into the ‘shell’ that I don’t like going into. It’s the people who call it a shell. I know it is the same state of half-numbness. Sumit’s presence in my life has kept that shit thing away. I sometimes feel sad that a single person affects me and my life so much, but it does. And I have no qualms about admitting it. If I have made the choice of giving that level of importance to someone other than default family, then why not. It is all about people anyway.
Out of context from the original maybe, but…
That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight,
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I haven’t said enough…
No, there’s no time to go on. It’s slowing down. Need to get back to what actually needs time. I think it’s just the new keypad that is making me type so much. I have even started a new diary. Not sure how long that will last, but for now it has an entry almost everyday. Anyway, thanks for listening. Later!