In these days of bearing a dead mind, I recently spared a thought for the zillions thoughts I have expressed on this blog. How with each passing year they have probably matured. At least in my head they did. And how with each passing year, the devils started sticking closer to me and my mind.
I think it was the initial days of grad college when I pondered over the seven sins and thought to myself that I do not indulge in any of them. No, I was not arrogant back then. Today, what, 5-6 years down the line, I have experienced them all. To top it, I am cynical too. But what is troubling me tonight is the constant conflict that the mind has to fight because of the situations life throws at you. Here’s a petty one for instance. Earlier I was more open about expressing myself here. Even the not-so-happy thoughts made it here. Some people say it isn’t good to register unpleasant thoughts because not only does it invite unwanted sympathy, it also gives you the opportunity to go back to those thoughts on a later date when you don’t need them. But my take on doing so in a public space is that while you do pen those thoughts, you word them carefully enough to even look at them positively on that later date that people are concerned about. My private blog is a good comparative study for me, personally. It is so dark that sometimes I dread re-reading any of the stuff there. At the same time, there are probably five times more depressing events/thoughts that I have written about here, and they are so much easier to handle today. Only because I have maintained enough caution to know that I am penning history publicly here. 🙂
However, from being a naive and trusting, silly girl, I have grown to be a cynical woman with twisted thoughts that I have no control over. These thoughts also let me be indifferent towards a lot of unbelievable crap that people often get me involved in. Involved in a way that they do not even care to realise. Or explain. And if not indifference, at least I do not let me lose my mind over people who should not matter. I used to say, ‘it’s all about people’. Maybe it is not. Told you, cynical.
These days I do not listen to music, I do not click pictures, I do not call friends, I don’t really meet any of them either. Maybe it is because of employment blues. Or an overlap of those blues with a phase that begun the day I left Pune. I am yet to find out. Even whether that is a phase or a turn that goes one-way.
I feel I am more at peace today than I was in the past one year. Certainly doing better than the blunt knife of this past February. But I am worried this peace could be silence that is killing things inside me.
The knee! I saw a different doctor and the problem finally got diagnosed. Now the wait for it to heal begins. I don’t know why they just don’t put a cast instead of asking me to not use it ‘much’. Pff!
Anyway. I need to go for physiotherapy tomorrow morning, so I shall wrap this here and go to sleep. I don’t know if this post will make sense to me tomorrow, but what the heck, the point was to not refrain from writing this time. 🙂